flyingporpoises' Journal

i made a new one.

the username is smeffbavie.

i requested people i actually talk to on here.

if you want to be a part of it, go ahead and request me. i just asked people who actually talk back. i unno who reads it and whatnot.

I feel like shit today.

Basically, I cheated on Ryan. With a stupid stupid person. And I regret it so so sooooo much.

And I did it because I sabotage everything that I love. Always. That's just how I work.

And he's sad and hurt and I am the most terrible person ever. fuckkkkkk.

And now I have to explain to the girl I cheated with that I don't actually have feelings for her. Which is also going to suck.

So pretty much I lose.

Mike Wray died. this = SHITTTTMUTHERFUCKERDAMNITFUCK. Cunt. woof.

you seriously don't know how much that sucks. at all. fuck.

but i bought guild wars for me and ryan. so i'm gonna game thru the pain. >.<"

i had a significant amount of traouble typing "lj" into my search bar this morning. haha

i am in an obscenely good mood. like, it's really really nice. soooo happy.

so i've pretty much decided that today is gonna be a great day.

cuz it is. *shrugs*

and i recently re-aquainted myself with Nightwish. It's love all over again. xD

Peace out homies!!

I've been singing for the past 30 minutes. Nothing in particular, just wahtever comes to mind. And some of it actually sounds decent. It's been forever since I've written a song, maybe I'll actually write some of it down for later use.

Anywho....crying was a thing for me today. I cried at lunch, I cried on the way to Senior Seminar, I cried in Guidance [of course, i only went to guidance because I knew I was going to cry (don't worry, i didn't say anything)].....so yeah. That kinda sucked.

But, I'm not working this weekend, which is pretty kickass. So I guess it all works out.

Definitely don't like the crying thing though. That has GOT to end.

Mmmmm. Terriyaki noodles. I can't spell that word. Boo.

OH YEAH!!! I'm wearing ankle weights now. SO FUN. It feels like I'm walking under water. Gym is going to kick much as tomorrow. I get to run with ankle weights on. Hopefully it'll help with that whole "i don't wannt be a fatty anymore" thing. :D

PEACE OUT HOMIEESSSS.

Lalala

So. I lost my purse today. But I found it again. Which is good.

Going to Ryan's later. His stepmom is picking me up. Without him. So...that's gonna be really akward. I still have to go buy him a white shirt and some white pants. Which is funny cuz I'm kinda broke.

I feel like shit today.

And I gained 2 pounds.

YAY!!!!

So basically I'm gonna go have a bunch of sado-masochistic sex and eat a ton of sugar. I can't wait to get my marking. I'll totally be his then. ^^

At least there's sex, sugar, and tatoos to look forward to.

Ok.

So pretty much, this entire year has sucked so far. Everyone's been acting so different. And now people are moving away that I love. And basically things are changing at an alarming rate and i hate it.

I hate change.

I wish everyone would just stand still and be who they've always been.

and yes, i am a whiney bitch.

SO....you haven't seen me on here in a while....
I don't know if I'm gonna start actually using this again.

Or if I'm coming here to stress out and then never come back.

But I need to lose 90 pounds. And at first I was excited. But now I'm just like OMFG 90 POUNDS?!?!? I am such a fatty!

And like, my initial reaction to this was "stop eating". But I just got going good on that and I can't stop, it's good for me. But yeah.

My goal is 99 pounds. It's within the healthy weight range for someone my height. I can do it.

I think.

And once I do that and kick OTC's and such, I'm gonna have my name legally changed to Natalie, to signify my transformation into something new and better. And I'll prolly get a tatoo then too. xD I like tatoos.

So yup.

Btb, Smeth Bavie has straight A's right now. Most of them above a 95.

PWN'd.

q's from josh

1. Answer, in just one word, how you feel about yourself (overall, big picture, NOT just at this particular moment):
undecided

2. What is your ideal job/career/lifestyle for the future?
art therapist [hopefully]

3. Say you can spend a full 24 hours as any animal known to exist; what animal would it be, and why? (I include insects as animals, if that matters)
panther, because i've always been fasinated by them, and i think it would be a nice animal to be for a day.

4. If there's that one thing you can't stand about yourself, one thing above all the rest you'd love to just rip out of you and totally erase, what is that thing? (can be physical or emotional or mental...)
my weight. i want to be somewhere between 115-120 pounds. yup.

5. What is your greatest sin EVER?
i don't think that any one sin is greater than another. and no, in case you were wondering, i'm not saying this to evade the question. I really do think that all sin is equal, and that no one sin can be singaled about above the rest.

[the rules]
1. Leave me a comment saying something random, like the lyrics from your current favorite song, or your favorite kind of sandwich. Something random. Whatever you like.
2. I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

Questions from Erin!!!
1. If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life, what would it be? ((It doesn't have to be something you already own. Use your imagination!))
Hmmm. Well that highly depends. Would I weigh as much as i do right now, or my ideal weight of 120? If I weighed what I do now, a nice pair of pinstripe wide-leg trousers and a nice black and red corsette top. If i weighed 120....I'd basically be a slut so i really dont know. xD Ummm...i suppose a white black corsette with black lace details and a black miniskirt [but not too mini, just a lil bit above mid-thigh].

2. Would you rather have a tapeworm or a benign tumor on your shoulder? ((Both are operable.))
tumor. i dont want anything that moves around in my shoulder.

3. Do you plan on getting married when you're older? If so, at what age?
if things go as planned, i will get engaged about junior year in college and married as soon as i finish my master's degree.

4. When was the last time you felt completely, honestly alone?
When I made myself throw up a few weeks ago. I decided to purge, and in the moments after, i felt like i was the only soul alive. That no one was there to care about me, and even if there was, they wouldn't want to because I am a failure. [well that was pleasent!! xD]

5. Are you happy with your life?
Overall? Very. I have great friends, family, and a wonderfull boyfriend. But it has its share of bad stuff too. I'm trying to deal with a lot of my past at the moment. So on the surface, no I'm not happy but that's because i'm going through rape counselling and it's hard. But deep down, I know that i'm going to get through this and my life is going to be awsome and I will be a good person some day. So I am indeed happy with my life.

So yeah! WOOT!!!

woot
i am home.

i am sick.

i got sick on my birthday. >.<

but i see ryan tomorrow. yay!

so basically
my life is falling apart.

or not so much my life. just me. im falling apart.

i remembered things. that i tried really hard to forget.

and now i feel like dying.

because there is a reason i forgot them.

i can't handle the reality of their existance.

Untitled

What is beauty?

Is beauty the size of our bodies or the color of our skin?

Is it how tall we are or how much make up we wear?

Is it how gracefully we move or what style we represent?

What is beauty?

I am 165 lbs. I am whiter than wonder bread. I am shorter than anyone has a right to be. I either wear no makeup or way too much. I am clumsy as anything and I am eclectic to the extreme.

And I am beautiful.

I am overweight.

I am beautiful.

There is nothing outstanding about me.

I am beautiful.

I don’t fit the mold society wants me to fit.

I am beautiful.

What is beauty? I don’t know. But it’s not something defined by what you look like or how you dress. It’s just a part of who you are.

I am beautiful.

i hit things
yup.

i got in an accident.

they're never gonna let me drive again.

and i have to pay the insurance difference.

i dont have a job.

im never gonna get like the 1000 dollars that they're gonna make me pay.

im so fucked.

not even a little fucked.

like yay double penetration fucked.

yup.

life is shit.

YAY.

sing like you think no one's listening.....
....you would kill for this,
just a little bit,
just a little bit,
you would, you would......

sing me something soft,
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything.....

This song makes me want to cry. So much.

*sigh*

It's a good feeling tho.

Anywhooo. I dunno what's up with me lately. I have a 49 for fourth quarter in Chemistry. Pretty sure I have a D in history even though I had straight A's in that class all year until now. D in math too. Not sure about the other ones.

And I don't care in the slightest. Which is rather worrisom in and of itself.

Vunerable, all knowing....

I've been randomly fainting a lot lately. Ryan's worried. I'm not. I'm actually only bothered by it at all because he's worried about it. I think I probably should be worried about that though.

I'm rather detatched from myself for now. Like, I'm looking at myself through a foggy window, and I don't know who I am. I'm just like "oh, she's rather interesting...." so I stick around and watch for a while. But I'm not actually personally connected to her [me] at all. It's very interesting really.

But yesterday was good. Yesterday I felt beautiful. I wrote a song about it. The song sucked so I'm not gonna post it but I'm keeping it to remind me what it felt like.

We're glad for what we've got
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out
Right in front of us

Sing like you think no one's listening
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would, you would

English final next period. I'm not worried about that one. Well, I'm not really worried about any of them I guess, but I am positive I am going to do nicely on this one.

Sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key.....

.....sing me anything......

Someone bring me back. I'm tired of feeling lost. -__-

what i wrote in pre-calc.

my teacher just screamed at me i front of the class. Cuz i had my head down. Because I'm fucking exausted. So basically, I'm writing this to keep from myself crying. I'm shking really hard though....I'm suprised this is coming out as neatly as this is.

rawr.

I dunno, I'm going to the Rock today.

I'm ~~worried~~.
I'm scared.

I feel like I'm going to vomit. Like seriously.

I'm. Gonna. Puke.

I wish someone would make this stop. If I put my head down, D-Foe will eat me, but it hurts so fucking much. I wish I could sleep more often. But he shouldn't have to take it all. He really shouldn't.

Oh ~~well~~.
Oh Hell.

They were right. I do have small feet. I really do.

someone. just. kill. me.

->>Bethany<<-

You know who you are.

Almost five years and I still don’t know what to say to you.

Did you honestly want to hurt me? Because that’s what you did.

Was that really your intention? I don’t see how any human could be that low.

Did you think about the nights I’d spend crying over what you did? I cry a lot because of you.

Do you regret it at all? I should hope so.

Did the fact that I wasn’t even a teen yet make a difference to you? I was way too young. Wayyyy too young.

Do you ever have nightmares? I do.

Are you scared to get close to people? I am.

Do you ever stop and think about the fact that you scarred a little girl for the rest of her life? Because that’s exactly what you did.

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time and make it so it never happened? You should. You fucking broke me.

And yet…..

Do you know how much stronger I’ve become because of you? I am a beast.

Can you fathom how hard I’ve worked to get through this? Very hard.

Can you see how many lives I will touch because of this experience? More than you ever will.

Can you say that you lived through that and became a better person for it? Well I can.

Do you write lyrics that can touch people's hearts? Somehow I doubt it.

Do you know how to take a broken heart and make it something new? Mine’s better than before you got your hands on it.

Have you ever loved like you’ve never been hurt? I don’t think you’re capable of love at all.

Can you say that people come to you for help? I hope not, ‘cause that would be a scary thing.

Can you say that you stared hell in the mouth, then kicked it in the face and told hell itself to suck it? ‘Cause that’s exactly what I did bitch. So. FUCK. YOU.

song "glorified train wreck"

Like the spark that starts a forest fire

she shoots it in, it gets her higher

the rush, her drug just wont deny her

as it burns her life away

And she sparkles with the kind of flame

the brings one glory, brings one fame

but no one knows about the shame

that she faces every day

it hurts to live dependently

on chemically induced normallcy

she's just a glorified train wreck

she won't make it through today

just a glorified train wreck

but you can't turn away

She smiles as she bows to the cheers

and clapping that comes to her ears

but no one knows about the tears

that fall as the needle goes in

she lives for her injected dreams

as her life is tearing at the seams

but no one hears her as she screams

in this war she never wins

she's just a glorified train wreck

she won't make it through today

just a glorified train wreck

but you can't turn away

Burning brighter that the sun

but burning out much faster

you watch her as she spirals down

toward immenant disaster

Just a glorified train wreck....

OMG an update?

To-Do-List  [they seem to be the in thing to do]

1. Pass Chemistry
2. Quit being so dependent, it's getting pathetic.
3. Get over myself
4. Upload the E-Portfolio shit.
5. Get back in touch with Matt Voght.
6. Get Coulter to either get his act together, or drop him. No more billionth chances.
7. Get to bed at a decent hour.
8. Finish research paper for English.
9. Plan next Wensday [it's the day b4 our 5 month, and also the day b4 i leave for Georgia.]
0. Get my GPA up so i can get that 15,000 scholarship from SCAD.

Yes I left the 1 out of 10. It threw off the nice organized look I had going. Anywho, I'm sore. I caught at the game last night, and I managed to pull the muscels in the back of both my knees. go figure. But we won, and I had two really great hits. Which was awsome, because Ryan was there!! And considering I haven't had a good hit all season, the fact that he got to see me at my best pretty much made my day.

I'm a little emo, because he's going away this weekend, and that means that it will be another week before i get to see him again. But it'll be good when we do see eachother. Cuz I'm gonna take him out to pick up food, and then we're gonna go to the beach to eat it in celebration of our 5 month aniversary.  I'm wicked suped about it, cuz we're both really corny people, and i know he'll love it. Plus, this is the first time that my mom is letting me drive him somewhere without her in the car. So basically, it will rock. And after that, we're going to Youth Group, and that will be the first one we go to in the new space. YAY!!!

Mmmm. Yes. now for a little bitch rant. Skip this paragraph if you want. Matt Coulter is being a complete dickhead. I mean, Kaite gets dumped, and after all his high talk about how he won't take her back, who's the first one to run to her aid? He is. And who gets ditched in the process?  Me. Not that that's a surprise at all, I mean, that's how it always goes. But I was kinda hoping he meant it when he said he wouldn't let it happen this time.  Pretty much the only time he talks to me is if i'm with her, and i'm pretty sure it's only so it won't look like he's completely ignoring me. He swears that he's not ditching me for her, but, actions speak louder than words. I'm giving it a week. If he doesn't stop being a shitty friend by then, I'm dropping him. I'm done putting up with bullshit like that from people.

Other than that tho, life is going alright. I'm failing like 4 classes, but I'm honestly not worried about it. I have no idea why I'm not, because I should be. But oh well. I got friends, I've got love, I've got time to spare......It's all good.

Peace!!!

herro
hmmm yesh.

so basically i am emotionally unstable at the moment. but that's ok. buz i fixed a lot of stuff.

hopefully i'll be writing again soon.

I miss Ryan. But i get to see him tomorrow so i guess it's all good.

i talked to eric a lot last night. he's a cool chico. i'm glad we're friends.

i kinda want to hug my mom. but we haven't done that in a long time. i think it'd be too akward.

im rather scattered at the moment.

i apologize.

peace.

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